The theory of a jester

Jokes
Some new some old!

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me.
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you tosser'
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A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints'
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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
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I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

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A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'

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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, Iwas a hooker!'. He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger todger than your brother'

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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

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are often made around names, misunderstandings, similar-sounding words (puns, homophones). Some jokes are portrayed as a part of a conversation. Much of the subject of jokes is also traditional - about toilets, drunks, pubs, etc. Particularly silly
jokes, which are loved by children, are called:- The Elephant Jokes, The Wally Jokes, etc.

"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.
"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."
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An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief

when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.

He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out

laughing.

"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
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Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England.

No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver

the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do,

Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and

holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..."

Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern,

Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A

beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the

Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
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An Irishman took a photograph of his son to the chemist. 'I wonder,' he said, 'could you enlarge this for me?' 'Yes, certainly,' the chemist replied. 'And would it be possible for you to take his hat off for me?' 'Well, I'm sure we could do something. Yes, we could touch it up for you.' 'Oh, that's fine.' 'Tell me,' said the chemist, 'which side does your son part his hair?' The Irishman smiled. 'Oh, come on now. You'll see that when you take his hat off.'
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Did you hear about the two Irish scientists who sent a rocket to the sun without any heat shields? It was alright though; they sent it up at night.

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What do you call an Irish spider?
Paddy long legs.

A man goes to see a doctor. He prods himself in the arm, legs and torso with his finger, complaining that he is in agony whenever he does this. The doctor asks the man if he is Irish. "Yes," replies the man. "I thought so," said the doctor, "your finger is broken."
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Down in Boca

Morty and Sylvia finally sell their big house on Long Island and move to fancy digs in Boca. They're on their way out to dinner, when Sylvia comes into the living room and asks her husband, "Darling, do you think this Chanel suit is OK, or should I wear my beaded Oscar de la Renta dress?"

Morty barely looks up from the TV and says indifferently "Wear whatever you like, darling. You look lovely in either."

Ten minutes later, she's back. "Should I wear my diamond earrings or the emerald and sapphire ones you bought me for my birthday?"

"Either one," he mumbles with growing impatience.

Soon she's back, modeling shoes. "Should I wear these Gucci sandals or the Ferragamos?"

"Enough already!" says Morty angrily, "If you don't get your act right now, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special!"

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Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.

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During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled, "TOUCHDOWN!!"
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Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.
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Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.
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A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
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A French boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the French War Hero!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a real part, instead of a fictional character."
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Filipino telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
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One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.
Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
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How do you count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
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An English man, German and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The German says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Germany. Where you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the German replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

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A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the match with England was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."
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A wealthy earl went salmon fishing in Ireland. After a fortnight without a bite he eventually hooked one small salmon. As Paddy, his ghillie, landed it, the earl said, 'Do you know, that salmon cost me two hundred pounds?' 'Ah,' said Paddy, 'aren't you the lucky man that you didn't catch two.'

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Did you hear about the worst Irish aviation disaster... A light aircraft crashed into a grave yard, the police have recovered 800 bodies!
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A kiwi was attenting a test cricket match In australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see and Aussie Dr. The Dr. said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said ay, no mate na get stuffed. So he went for a second opinion from another Australian dr. He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi. So he went to the test match and decided to go get a third opion from a kiwi dr. He said, Na no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off. The kiwi then said, thank God for that, them Aussie dr. wanted to remove my test tickets!

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A Welsh blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !
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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

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BETTER THAN SAYING I LOVE YOU...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw me shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!

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A Classy Lady

Esther Fishbein's husband, Morty, had a few good seasons in a row and finally the Fishbeins moved to a fancy, shmancy neighborhood. Being just a butcher's daughter from Brooklyn, Esther was hardly sophisticated, but she was desperate to fit in with her wealthy, high class neighbors.

Now that they could afford it, she was determined to become a real lady. She had her home decorated by the most exclusive designer and paid a fortune for genuine antique furniture. She took speech lessons to lose her Brooklyn accent. For a year, she went to finishing school to learn proper manners and behavior. Finally, Esther decides it's time to show off her new sophistication. But what would be the best way to prove to her fancy neighbors that she was, indeed, one of them? After all, she could hardly invite them to play Mah Johnng. One of her instructors suggests she host a formal tea. She could hire a few musicians to play chamber music; have an English butler serve the tea with little sandwiches. Esther could just picture it! A real swanky affair! So, she sends out printed announcements and invites the ladies to her home.

The day of the party arrives. Her home looks magnificent. The butler is serving. The chamber music is playing. Things are going very well. Esther is fitting right in. In fact, she's the life of the party.

One of the ladies remarks, "Oh! I do so love Beethoven! And Mozart! Don't you just love Mozart?" she asks Esther.

Esther is caught a little off guard. "Oh. Sure. Mozart. I love Mozart. In fact, I just ran into him last week on the A train out to Coney Island..."

Suddenly, conversations stops. The room becomes deathly quiet. The guests quickly make their excuses and leave one by one until Esther is alone with Morty.

Morty says, "I can't believe you did that, Esther! Three million dollars I spend on this house. Six thousand dollars I spend for you to go to finishing school! New clothes! Musicians! A butler! And you ruin it all by saying something like that? How could you be so stupid!? ... Everybody KNOWS the A train doesn't go to Coney Island!!!"

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Another Tragic Accident

Poor Lipkowitz was hit by a crosstown bus, and lay in the middle of 57th Street, bruised and bleeding. Pedestrians ran to assist him. A kind woman takes off her sweater, rolls it up and gently lays it under his head.

"Are you comfortable?" she asks.

"I make a living."

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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? So the sheep won't hear the zipper.
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A bloke has a car crash into the back of a dwarfs car. There seems to be lots of damage. The dwarf gets out and seeing the damage says, "I'm not happy". The bloke says back to him, "well which one are ya then?"
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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
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A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

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What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers

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Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
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McDougal was offered 500 pounds for his dog by an American and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Much to everyone's surprise he accepted the bid from the Englishman. Afterwards he explained. "The dog can walk back home from England but he'll never swim the Atlantic."

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Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies' service.

The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!"

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A German atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
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The French
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of %u2028its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the%u2028Nazis?"

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for%u2028 an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and %u2028a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

A good-looking horse

An Englishman was walking down the street in Llandudno when he met Dai Davies standing beside a big strong horse.

"How much do you want for this horse?" asked the Englishman.

Dai Davies answered, "This horse doesn't look good these days."

The Englishman said, "I've been trading horses all my life and there's nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what's good-looking and what's not."

"Two thousand pounds," said Dai.

"Deal," said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,

"You didn't tell me this horse was blind!"

Dai said, "But I told you this horse didn't look good."
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A man was running late for the office one day, so he was exceeding the speed limit along the freeway. The next thing he knows his wife rings up & says that I've just seen on the TV that there's a maniac going down the wrong side of the freeway. The man replies, It's not just one, it's all of them.

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Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares!

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There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .
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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

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German Going off to war
PATROTIC... Many soldiers enlisted because they thought it was their duty, others joined for the bounty and others joined to impress their girlfriends. Many of the married women also encouraged their men to go to war. One of these men, while bidding his wife good bye whimpered a little and showed signs of back out. His wife told him that if he was going to cry about it, to pull off his britches and she'd go in his place and he can stay home and run the farm.

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Enemies in the West

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we name him Sum Ting Wong.
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A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.

How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.

Hamish was building a garden shed and he ran out of nails so he went to the hardware store to buy some more.
"How long do you want them?" asked the storekeeper.
"Oh, I need to keep them," replied Hamish.

Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes?
A moving target is harder to hit.

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

Did you hear about the Scottish kamikaze pilot?
He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.

Young Jock MacTavish got down on his knees to propose to her when a 10p piece dropped out of his pocket and rolled under the sofa. In the 20 minutes it took him to find it she had lost interest.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
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A couple were celebrating their 9th wedding anniversary one night, & decided to continue in the bedroom. But before they started, the wife said, honey what did you think when you first saw me naked? The man replied I wanted to f#?k your brains out & suck your breasts dry.The wife then said what do you think now when you see me naked? He replied, it looks like I did a pretty good Job!!
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1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
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Richer than the Rothschilds

"You know, Moishe, if I were as rich as the Rothschilds, I'd be richer than the Rothschilds."

"Really? How do you figure that, Heshie?"

"Well, I'd do a little teaching on the side."
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How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.

What do you get if you cross a frog with a small dog?
A croaker spaniel.

What happens when you drink Frognog?
You croak.

How do frogs die? Ker-mit suicide

There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car. He went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like to have a loan, the frog said timidly. The loan officer said: "well, do you have any collateral?" "Well, said the frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the family for years, will it do?" The loan officer wasn't sure so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only collatteral he has is this"; and he handed the charm to the bank manager. The bank manager looked at the charm and said:
"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
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What is white and furry and smells of peppermint?
A polo bear.
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A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
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Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
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The collection

Colonel Johnson had been living in a Welsh village for fifteen years. The local people liked him even though he was English. One day, when he was working in the garden the vicar came up to him.

"Good morning Colonel. I don't believe we've seen you in church yet."

"Good morning Vicar. Well, I am an English speaker and your services are conducted in Welsh."

"Yes," said the vicar, "but the collection is in English!"

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A Russian tourist in Wales

One morning when Ianto Jones was walking to the post office in Llandudno he met a Russian tourist.

"I am looking for Dai," said the tourist.

Ianto thought for a moment and asked,

"Dai the post?"

"No," said the tourist.

"Dai the milk?"

"No," said the tourist.

"Dai the bread?"

"No," said the tourist and he whispered into Ianto's ear,

"The sun shines brightly over the meadow."

"Oh, you mean Dai the spy. He's over there, in the pub."
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A posh English gentleman came into a pub in Llandudno. He asked,

"Which is the quickest way to get to Cardiff from here?"

The landlord said,

"Are you walking or going by car?"

The Englishman answered, "By car, of course"

"That's the quickest way," said the landlord.
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An American tourist in Wales

Rhys Parry, a taxi driver, was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys that he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado. When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed the tourist Cardiff Castle. The American said that his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build. When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.

"I don't know, mate, it wasn't there this morning."
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What do kiwi's and sperm have in common?

They come by the millions and only a couple work.
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Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.
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There are four kinds of people in the UK -
First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
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When the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon application for a statue of Lunacy against him, the chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?" "Does your lordship mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?" "Is it not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a dead sheep has only two: the fore legs are shoulders; but there are but two legs of mutton."
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Joe wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?

Joe: Seven!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?

Joe: Seven!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Joe: Six.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?

Joe: Seven!

Tester : How on earth do you work out that three lots of two sheep is seven?

Joe: I've already got one sheep at home!
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(To be sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Sheep are very sweet, They go baaaaa and bleat,
They're as white as a sheet, Sheep are very sweet!
They live in the fields, Have their daytime meals,
I knew one once called Neil, And he lived in the fields!
Chorus
Sheep are woolly, Sheep are fooly, Sheep are very dumb.
They don't know a thing at all, And they don't learn from their mum.
Baaaaaaah!
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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
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The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said.

"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
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A Jackeroo rides into town after months of rustling. He ties the horse out the front of the pub, dusts off his pants, and then walks around to the back of the horse and runs his lips along the crack of the horses ass. He heads into the bar, and asks the barmen for a glass of beer. The barmen says, "Listen mate, can I just ask why you ran your lips along the crack of your horses ass ?".He replies, "I've got chapped lips".The barmen replies, "does that cure them ?". The jackeroo replies, "no but it sure stops me licken 'em".

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Tell a Lie
I met my 6-year-old son at the bus one day after I'd gotten a new haircut. Although it felt great, my new look had the effect of making my already substantial nose seem even more prominent. The next morning I awoke to Julian softly running his fingers across my face, clearly deep in thought. "Mom," he asked seriously, "did you tell a lie?"

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A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down together and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic.

"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
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